There's Way Too Much Gravity In Here

I’d like to lodge a complaint about physics and the universe. I wasn’t sure who to give it too so I just decided to put it on the Internet. I’m sure it’ll end up in the spam folder of some higher power eventually. Maybe even Al Gore!

Complaint: Gravity.

There is just way too much of this stuff. It’s everywhere! I can’t do anything without it getting in the way. Can’t you just imagine how much easier it would be to get that couch upstairs if you didn’t have gravity stopping you?

With Gravity:







































Without Gravity:















See how much simpler things would be? I mean, sure there’s the risk of floating off into space when you go outside to get your morning newspaper. But that would just make your mornings that much more exciting.



Just imagine running outside every morning and trying to see if you could make it back to your door before you started to float away. It’s like a game!

Insomnia

Dear Insomnia:

I know what you're up to.
Keeping me up all night. Making me unproductive and useless the next day.
Quite the clever plan If I do say so myself... If everyone think's I'm lazy I'll be out of the picture leaving you and Tom Cruise to run around doing whatever it is you plan to do.

I imagine it would look a lot like this.

Although I could be wrong. I'm not sure what Tom Cruise and Insomnia would be doing in my back yard. But I'm sure it's some sort of master plan to over throw the economy using some sort of walrus based stock cannon.. If that makes any sense.

Now you're probably wondering what any of this has to do with insomnia. And quite frankly I'm not even sure where I was going with this anymore either. But the point is that insomnia is annoying. And I would like to apologize on its behalf for all of those suffering from it. (I would like to add that I am not apologizing for anything Tom Cruise has to do with the aforementioned 'Walrus Cannon")

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I would like to define insomnia. But I think I'll just have wikipedia do it for me.

"Insomnia is a symptom that can accompany several sleep, medical and psychiatric disorders, characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep and/or difficulty staying asleep. Insomnia is typically followed by functional impairment while awake." - Dr. Wikipedia

Hold your horses Kyle. Now I don't know if your name is Kyle or if you in fact do have horses, but I too have the same questions. How does knowing what insomnia means help me defeat it?

I have no idea. Maybe you should go ask your fancy doctor friends and get back to me with their fancy doctor answers Kyle.

But, I digress. Here's some helpful tips to help you defeat Insomnia!





1) Fight a Bear.

Who could possibly be tired after figh

ting a large ruthless monster that would sooner devour your immortal soul then help a young woman find the right temperature porridge to consume!

2) Obscene amounts of physical activity.

If your body doesn't have enough energy to stay conscious then you can't be awake to stay up all night. Problem Solved.
(And if you can't think of any sort of physical activity to do, simply defer to the picture and flail your arms above your head until you're no longer conscious.)

3) Drugs.

Put down the crack pipe Steve! I don't know what Kyle's been telling you but I meant prescribed drugs. Go talk to one of Kyle's doctor friends about why you can't sleep and maybe they'll give you magic pills!




4) $#!%&

Thats right. You Heard me.


Hopefully these tips will help you sleep, and lead way to a brighter tomorrow for you. Unless of course you're a vampire, in which case maybe they'll help lead way to a darker night? Hooray for awful puns!

Now that we can defeat Insomnia maybe we can put an end to Tom Cruise's evil quest to destroy the stock market.